Domestic violence is a deeply entrenched and pervasive societal issue that has a profound impact on individuals from all walks of life. Despite increased efforts to raise awareness by agencies like Barren River Area Safe Space, Inc., there are still prevalent myths and misconceptions that obscure the true nature of the issue. Dissecting these myths is crucial to providing meaningful support for survivors and helping break the cycle of abuse for future generations. Simply talking about domestic violence, not perpetuating harmful or victim-blaming language, and believing, supporting, and empowering victims when they share their stories with you can go a long way in changing the culture of silence, guilt, and shame that victims face as they navigate escaping and healing from abuse.
Myth 1: If the abuse was that bad, the victim would leave and not return.
Reality: Repeating myths like these is part of a phenomenon known as victim blaming. Instead of believing and helping the victim escape, thoughts like this place blame on the victim for not leaving, instead of placing blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator.
Abuse is abuse, whether physical, emotional, mental, financial, or sexual. It does not matter how few or how many types of abuse are present in a relationship, the fact is, it is never appropriate. Making the decision to leave an abusive partner can be very difficult for many reasons, including concern for the toll of separation on children or pets, inability to survive financially without the perpetrator’s income, a fear of the unknown, having no safe place to flee to, having no family support, or fear of retaliation. Sometimes, victims will admit that they stayed longer than they wanted to because at least they knew what danger they faced at home, as opposed to what unknown dangers and hardships might lurk once they fled the abuse, such as homelessness, food insecurity, loss of custody of children or pets, or retaliation and increased violence from the perpetrator if they were able to locate the victim. Also, victims of domestic violence often face obstacles from family, friends, coworkers, landlords, and employers, such as when a family member criticizes them for not “working it out” or when a landlord refuses to terminate a lease shared between the abuser and the victim without steep penalties, or loss of job due to absence or stalking. It is also important to note that often some kinds of abuse, such as emotional and psychological, are very often precursors to physical abuse. The most dangerous time for a victim is when they attempt to flee. Victims are 70 times more likely to be killed in the 2 weeks after leaving than at any other time during the relationship, according to the United States Justice Department.
Myth 2: Domestic Violence only happens to women who are in heterosexual relationships.
Reality: Domestic violence is a community issue that affects people from all different groups and identities. While women are disproportionately impacted (1 in 3 women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime,) domestic violence affects individuals of all genders. Men report domestic violence far less often and experience more indirect victimization from people ridiculing them for doing so, though 1 in 4 men will experience it in their lifetime. Individuals who identify as nonbinary, agender or transgender experience all types of violence at higher levels than cisgender men or women, but are even less likely to report it. In fact, 1 in 2 of all transgender and nonbinary individuals will experience domestic violence in their lifetime. Individuals identifying as part of the LGBTQ+ community may have that very identity used against them, for example, by threats to “out” them to someone, or will use existing social vulnerabilities to exert even more control on their victims, such as by taking advantage of social and familial isolation that often comes from being part of the LGBTQ community. By recognizing the diverse range of survivors, we can ensure that all individuals receive the support and resources they need to pursue healthy lives free from abuse. BRASS, Inc. provides culturally appropriate, equitable services to all survivors, regardless of gender, sexual identity, income, ethnicity, race, disability or any other status. Simply put, BRASS, Inc. serves all.
Myth 3: Abusers are always abusive.
Reality: Most of the time, abusers are not always abusive. In fact, often abuse occurs in the following cycle:
At the beginning of the relationship, often victims report that the partner is wonderful. We often hear things like “We fell in love so fast!” The abusive partner may seem perfect, very attentive, and will often shower the other partner with gifts and affection. Often the relationship is filled with passion and a connection that some victims say they had never felt before. Unfortunately, many times, the very connection they celebrate is the first step of manipulation, a way for the abuser to draw the victim in and gain control over them. As the relationship progresses, so does the cycle of abuse below.
The tension-building phase: often starts with emotional and psychological abuse- the abuser may begin to pick fights, act jealous and possessive, seem moody and unpredictable, and blame the victim for things they have no control over. There are often threats of violence during this stage. These behaviors often lead to the victim feeling confused and worried, feeling like they must “walk on eggshells” to avoid upsetting the abuser.
The explosion: this phase often includes physical and sexual abuse, and increased emotional and psychological abuse. The abuser may threaten (and follow through) to harm the victim, children, pets and property. They often also blame the victim for provoking the abuse during this phase. “If you didn’t dress like that, I wouldn’t be so jealous!”
Honeymoon phase: during this phase, the abuser apologizes and manipulates the victim into forgiveness, promising to change, get counseling, go to church, etc. The abuser will often shower the victim with gifts and affection. The victim may offer forgiveness, feel hopeful, and even minimize or deny the abuse ever happened, often feeling gaslit into believing they were at fault or were being “too sensitive.” At the end of the honeymoon phase, the cycle will start back over as tension begins to build again.
Another conundrum that makes perceiving domestic violence tricky to fully comprehend from outside the relationship, is that often abusers seem to be nice people. They often treat their families well, are very personable, and well-liked by their family and friends, only allowing their partner to see their abusive side.
By dispelling these myths and fostering a deeper understanding of domestic violence, we can cultivate a more empathetic and enlightened society where abuse is not tolerated or even made light of. We must challenge these misconceptions and advocate for effective interventions to break the cycle of abuse. Together, we can create a safer and more supportive environment for all those affected by domestic violence.
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